The family safe signal: how to say "come get me" without saying it
Checked
Sometimes the hardest part of leaving a bad situation is saying so out loud: a teen at a party that's getting out of hand, a student whose ride has been drinking, an adult on a date that feels wrong. A safe signal gives them a way to ask for help in a normal-sounding call or text, without anyone nearby noticing.
Talk about it at home: jump to the Kitchen Table Talk
What a safe signal is
A safe signal is a short, innocent-sounding phrase or text that your family agrees on ahead of time. It means one thing: "I don't feel safe. Please get me out of here." To anyone listening, it sounds like small talk.
This differs from a family code word. A code word verifies who someone is, so a scammer with a cloned voice can't pass as your grandson. A safe signal asks for help. You'll want both, and they should never be the same phrase. (Our guide to code words is here: A familiar voice isn't proof anymore. A family code word is.)
Ideas you may have heard of
In a 2017 blog post, Bert Fulks described what his family calls the "X-plan." If his son feels uncomfortable somewhere, he texts the letter "X" to a family member. Within a few minutes, that person calls and says something has come up and they have to come get him right now. The son tells his friends something happened at home and leaves. The critical part, Fulks wrote, is that the family agrees to pass no judgments and ask no questions afterward. His son can share as much or as little as he wants, with one exception: if someone is in danger, he speaks up: Bert Fulks: X-Plan, giving your kids a way out.
A related idea is the Signal for Help, a one-handed gesture created by the Canadian Women's Foundation for people experiencing gender-based violence. The foundation and its partners launched it in April 2020, in response to an increased risk of gender-based violence and more use of video calls during the COVID-19 pandemic. It's meant to be used without leaving a digital trace, and the foundation says it means "reach out to me safely," not automatically "call the authorities": Canadian Women's Foundation: Signal for Help.
Choosing your phrase
A good safe signal sounds ordinary but would never come up by accident. Some ideas:
- Ask about a pet you don't have: "Has anyone fed Biscuit tonight?"
- Mention a made-up relative: "Did Aunt Margo ever call back?"
- Ask about an object that doesn't exist: "Can you check if I left my green hoodie in the car?"
- Send a single letter or emoji you never otherwise use, like Fulks's "X."
Don't copy these exactly; anything published, including this page, could become known. Pick your own, simple enough to remember under stress.
Do this now: Choose one spoken phrase and one text version, so the signal works whether someone can talk or only type.
How the person receiving it responds
The receiver plays along calmly so nobody nearby suspects anything.
- Answer naturally. Reply as if it's a normal question: "No, I'll check on Biscuit."
- Give a ready-made excuse. Call back or text something the other person can repeat to the group: "Mom needs you home now. I'm on my way." Fulks's script is similar: something's come up, be ready to leave in five minutes.
- Ask yes-or-no questions if you need details. The Canadian Women's Foundation suggests yes-or-no questions when someone might be listening, for example "Would you like me to call 911?" The same approach works here: "Are you still at the same place?"
- Go, or send someone you trust. Agree in advance who picks up if you can't, and whether a rideshare is OK.
The pickup agreement
A safe signal only works if people trust it. Decide in advance whether your family's rule is no questions asked or questions later, when you're ready. Either way, the promise is the same: using the signal never gets anyone in trouble for asking. Fulks makes this point for teens: a kid afraid of punishment is less likely to reach out for help.
Sharing location
If you share location with the people who'd come get you, the person sending the signal doesn't have to explain where they are. On an iPhone, you can share your location with family or friends in Find My or Messages, and Apple's Check In feature can automatically notify someone you trust when you arrive: Apple: share your location with iPhone. On Android and other Google services, Location Sharing lets you share your real-time location with people you choose in apps like Maps, Messages, or Find Hub. It's off by default, and you can find it in Google Maps or your Google Account settings: Google: Location Sharing.
Talk openly about it as a family: it's an agreed safety tool, not secret tracking. In an abusive relationship, location sharing can also be misused to keep tabs on someone. Share only with people you trust, and check now and then who can see your location; both Apple and Google let you stop sharing with any person. Apple says "The person that you stop sharing with won't be notified."
Do this now: Make sure each person who might send the signal shares their location with someone who'd receive it.
Keep it secret, and practice it
- Keep it in the family. Don't post it or put it in a group chat with friends.
- Practice it. Run one pretend call so the response comes naturally.
- Refresh it. If it's used often or someone outside the family learns it, choose a new one.
When to call 911 instead
A safe signal is for leaving uncomfortable or risky situations. If someone is in immediate danger, call 911. The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) says to always make a voice call to 911 if you can. Texting 911 isn't available everywhere; it depends on whether the local 911 call center accepts texts. If you text 911 where it isn't available, FCC rules require carriers to send an automatic "bounce-back" message telling you to contact emergency services another way, such as a voice call: FCC: text to 911. Make sure everyone in your family knows a 911 call beats a code phrase in an emergency.
For help with abuse at home or in a relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free, confidential, and available 24/7: call 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat online at thehotline.org (with a live advocate, or with the Hotline's AI chat, Ruth, if you can't reach an advocate).
This is general safety information, not a substitute for emergency services or professional support.
Teach it this week
How do you ask for a ride home without saying why?
Big idea: A safe signal is a secret, ordinary-sounding phrase that means "come get me." It asks for help; a code word proves who someone is.
Background for the teacher or parent: Bert Fulks describes his family's version in Bert Fulks: X-Plan, giving your kids a way out.
Classroom version (10 minutes)
- Objective: Explain the difference between a safe signal and a code word, and know when to call 911 instead.
- Hook (2 min): Ask: "Have you ever wanted to leave somewhere but didn't want to explain why?" No names or details.
- Explain (3 min): Describe the X-plan: a text, a call back, a ready-made excuse, no questions asked. Contrast it with a code word. In immediate danger, call 911.
- Activity (5 to 7 min): In pairs, invent a practice phrase (a pet you don't have, a made-up relative). One student "calls" and slips it in; the partner plays along and gives an excuse like "Mom needs you home now."
- Discussion questions: What makes a phrase easy to remember but hard to spot? Why does "no questions asked" matter? When is a safe signal not enough?
- Exit ticket (1 min): Write one difference between a code word and a safe signal.
Kitchen Table Talk (10 minutes)
- Explain the idea and promise that using it never gets anyone in trouble.
- Choose one spoken phrase and one text version together.
- Practice once: someone texts the signal, the receiver calls back with the excuse.
- Tonight's action: agree who can pick up, and turn on location sharing with them.
Students create practice phrases only; families keep their real one private. Free to use; please keep the source credit.
Education only, not financial, legal or tax advice. Not a registered investment adviser.
Sources
Primary sources
- Bert Fulks: X-Plan, giving your kids a way out, author's blog post, published Feb 23, 2017, updated Jan 17, 2019, date checked: Oct 22, 2026
- Canadian Women's Foundation: Signal for Help, program page (no visible date), date checked: Oct 22, 2026
- FCC: text to 911, consumer guide, last updated/reviewed Jan 6, 2020, date checked: Oct 22, 2026
Supporting links
- Apple: share your location with iPhone, published Oct 5, 2026, date checked: Oct 22, 2026
- National Domestic Violence Hotline, official site, date checked: Oct 22, 2026
- Google: Location Sharing, help page "Manage your Location Sharing settings" (no visible date), date checked: Oct 22, 2026